I never told you the times I remember you sewing with a
small light when I awoke up at night back in Madeira! I never told you how I
appreciated you working 3 jobs to raise us! I never told you how much you’re
pure existence meant to me!
Sometimes we think we do! But in reality we never truly tell
our parents how much they mean to us! You see mom, to me you are immortal! You
may not be here physically but you are spiritually! Every thought I have came
from you, every decision I make came from you and the very being I am came from
you!
You leaf behind a legacy “ME”!
What you did not know or probably expect is that within 5
days you’re very presence cease to exist in youre own home! This haunts me for
it’s bad enough I never said good buy, I never got to touch feel and let go of you’re
precious things. I guess mom to me everything you did was precious! Everything
you wore was precious everything you said was precious.
I am sorry my siblings saw it fit to deliver you’re precious
stuff to me in garbage bags! I guess they never saw you the way I did !I am
though happy that you kept things almost 40 years, yes things that obvious were
precious to you because I have them now and I gave them to you when I was 16!
I never got to tell you how much I appreciated you adoring
Robert! I will always remember Mom, “be nice to him, he is a good guy, he is a
keeper’ be good to him he will stay with you forever”!
I can barely remember you on the coach but I do remember it
was not the side you sad on! I did not see all the oxygen hoses going throughout
the house (yes mom I knew you were hooked on oxygen)! I never knew oxygen can
kill you and I will never know if that is what happened!
I am sorry I did not stay the night and hold you! You were
always so caring toward me, and did not want me to be bothered with helping
you! You had my little brother and he had plenty of time. I am sorry he was not
there holding you as you died from the heart surgery or too much oxygen! I am
sorry I came to help and had 4 surgeries in 2011 that caused my own challenges!
I am sorry you left such a simple will that did not define much!
It has created division amongst us and it’s not something I think any of us
wanted! Maybe I should of taken some time to see what kind of will you had but
then again you never wanted to bother me!
I will always remember shopping with you and I will always remember
you taking care of me when I came out. I will never forget the years we did
breakfast every Saturday even if Isabel hated it! I am happy I could buy you
things then behind her back and when I was with Robert. You see mom we lost
five years because I married Robert but he loved you as much as you adored him!
I am sorry you’re other children think less of me! I know
the bond a gay man has with his mother and we have had it since birth. I
apologize for those that think our love was any less than the other two! As I
mother I know better! My love for you will be there until the day I die!
I have to say I am so deeply sorry we lost 5 years over
nonsense, for it never mattered! I am sorry you were hurt by others but never
by me! Sometimes people mean well but in the process they influence you’re
thinking mom so I am sorry if I did things that made you embarrassed because of
what others said or thought!
And most of all I am so sorry that you died on a day I was
born the 3rd! Maybe I should be happy for on that day you gave me
life and since we all have to die you chose my day! Maybe, just maybe, I am
special after all!
I am sorry that I do have health challenges and taking care
of Dad would be a burden on Rob the man you adored. I was going to fight for I
know you I am like you a fighter for righteous, and I know you would have wanted
dad to stay in his house until he died, but I don’t have the health and means
to care for him!
You see Mom you left all the money hidden with you’re
youngest son and he does not like dad! I am sorry you’re children are allowing him
to go up to the cold north and I am so, so sorry for what he may have to deal
with, though he won’t know anyway!
I am sorry you’re ashes has become a great deal to two of you’re
children! Though it was agreed to share them, you’re youngest insists ion
keeping both urn/s though mine does not match his furniture as his does! You
see mom I would have been happy with just the urn, for I did not get it to
match the furniture I got it because it was the cheapest and you were paying
for it! Dam, even at that I am like you!
I have to sign off for now mom, but I have to apologize for
one more thing! I am sorry that on February 3rd, 2012 I lost my
mother, sister and brother! You’re dead and live within me in spirit and they
are alive and dead within me in spirit!
Just so you know mom, I know see a therapist to help me deal
with loosing you and my brother and sister! In some way thought Dad is alive
because of his Alzheimer’s he too is dead in a sense! It’s allot to deal with
so I got some help! I know you would of wanted that!
I apologize for them for you lived 77 years and 36 days and
within 5 days you’re pure existence ceased in you’re own home! I am sorry but
this I WILL never forget!
My love for you will be everlasting as yours was to me unconditional!
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