Abilio's View: Hi mom, some family updates

Abilio's View: Hi mom, some family updates: Its unbelievable its almost a month since you left us! It will be on you're grandson's name, Shaun for he was born on February 3rd. I know d...

Hi mom, some family updates

Its unbelievable its almost a month since you left us! It will be on you're grandson's name, Shaun for he was born on February 3rd. I know down deep you knew both Sherry and Shaun are my children, but it always hurt when you knew Kelly was because you're daughter had them and who knows what Isabel did and with whom. Mom I can honestly say "Isabel was in love with me"! I say that because I know what being in love with! I am deeply "in love with the man you adored, Rob"! So yes they are my children you're grandchildren and it was on his birthday and mine you decided to leave us!

Since you left division has developed. two of you're children want to abandon the house and car rather than go through probate court, Dad has left for Taunton where both of you hated l living due to the cold. Where he will live is not defined but it will be in a full house. Kelly got her way though you're son and I had agreed he would live in his house and I and Rob would take care of him!

It looks like you're son has moved into the house! It looks for I have been bared from the house, dad and to find out what is happening and to accomplish you're will that was not very well defined I have to hire a lawyer and use the little money I have!

You kept the family as a unit and when you let within 5 days you're pure existence ceased. I apologize if I repeat myself but my therapist says writing to you helps me deal with my own challenges.I had a fear of loosing you since childhood! I could never imagine a life without you! I should of stayed with you for I would be next to you every night and with me maybe you would live!

But I know you hated living in dialysis 3 times a week. You were a woman who hated sitting down too long. You loved shopping , visiting you're family always being busy. To be tied to a machine 3 times a week for 6 hours was not a life you enjoyed. You also were not treated well by you're son who has no patience. I saw you're fear! I hope it was not a pillow and she kept saying he would do to dad that killed you. Sometimes I wonder about my brother by DCF says all is OK, but they have no idea!

Well mom I will continue to fight for what you told me that you and dad were to live in the house until both you die! Rob and I can make sure that happens and I promise you that if I can I will keep pursuing righteous. Between the value of the house  and the app. 100k you're son has and the car he can live for a long time. I amazes me mom why my siblings are not thinking this way! But It's Kelly and the mighty dollar!

well I will talk to you on you're anniversary March 3rd!

Love
You're son!

Abilio's View: A letter to my mother

Abilio's View: A letter to my mother: I never told you the times I remember you sewing with a small light when I awoke up at night back in Madeira! I never told you how I app...

A letter to my mother

I never told you the times I remember you sewing with a small light when I awoke up at night back in Madeira! I never told you how I appreciated you working 3 jobs to raise us! I never told you how much you’re pure existence meant to me!

Sometimes we think we do! But in reality we never truly tell our parents how much they mean to us! You see mom, to me you are immortal! You may not be here physically but you are spiritually! Every thought I have came from you, every decision I make came from you and the very being I am came from you!

You leaf behind a legacy “ME”!

What you did not know or probably expect is that within 5 days you’re very presence cease to exist in youre own home! This haunts me for it’s bad enough I never said good buy, I never got to touch feel and let go of you’re precious things. I guess mom to me everything you did was precious! Everything you wore was precious everything you said was precious.

I am sorry my siblings saw it fit to deliver you’re precious stuff to me in garbage bags! I guess they never saw you the way I did !I am though happy that you kept things almost 40 years, yes things that obvious were precious to you because I have them now and I gave them to you when I was 16!

I never got to tell you how much I appreciated you adoring Robert! I will always remember Mom, “be nice to him, he is a good guy, he is a keeper’ be good to him he will stay with you forever”!

I can barely remember you on the coach but I do remember it was not the side you sad on! I did not see all the oxygen hoses going throughout the house (yes mom I knew you were hooked on oxygen)! I never knew oxygen can kill you and I will never know if that is what happened!

I am sorry I did not stay the night and hold you! You were always so caring toward me, and did not want me to be bothered with helping you! You had my little brother and he had plenty of time. I am sorry he was not there holding you as you died from the heart surgery or too much oxygen! I am sorry I came to help and had 4 surgeries in 2011 that caused my own challenges!

I am sorry you left such a simple will that did not define much! It has created division amongst us and it’s not something I think any of us wanted! Maybe I should of taken some time to see what kind of will you had but then again you never wanted to bother me!

I will always remember shopping with you and I will always remember you taking care of me when I came out. I will never forget the years we did breakfast every Saturday even if Isabel hated it! I am happy I could buy you things then behind her back and when I was with Robert. You see mom we lost five years because I married Robert but he loved you as much as you adored him!

I am sorry you’re other children think less of me! I know the bond a gay man has with his mother and we have had it since birth. I apologize for those that think our love was any less than the other two! As I mother I know better! My love for you will be there until the day I die!

I have to say I am so deeply sorry we lost 5 years over nonsense, for it never mattered! I am sorry you were hurt by others but never by me! Sometimes people mean well but in the process they influence you’re thinking mom so I am sorry if I did things that made you embarrassed because of what others said or thought!

And most of all I am so sorry that you died on a day I was born the 3^rd! Maybe I should be happy for on that day you gave me life and since we all have to die you chose my day! Maybe, just maybe, I am special after all!

I am sorry that I do have health challenges and taking care of Dad would be a burden on Rob the man you adored. I was going to fight for I know you I am like you a fighter for righteous, and I know you would have wanted dad to stay in his house until he died, but I don’t have the health and means to care for him!

You see Mom you left all the money hidden with you’re youngest son and he does not like dad! I am sorry you’re children are allowing him to go up to the cold north and I am so, so sorry for what he may have to deal with, though he won’t know anyway!

I am sorry you’re ashes has become a great deal to two of you’re children! Though it was agreed to share them, you’re youngest insists ion keeping both urn/s though mine does not match his furniture as his does! You see mom I would have been happy with just the urn, for I did not get it to match the furniture I got it because it was the cheapest and you were paying for it! Dam, even at that I am like you!

I have to sign off for now mom, but I have to apologize for one more thing! I am sorry that on February 3^rd, 2012 I lost my mother, sister and brother! You’re dead and live within me in spirit and they are alive and dead within me in spirit!

Just so you know mom, I know see a therapist to help me deal with loosing you and my brother and sister! In some way thought Dad is alive because of his Alzheimer’s he too is dead in a sense! It’s allot to deal with so I got some help! I know you would of wanted that!

I apologize for them for you lived 77 years and 36 days and within 5 days you’re pure existence ceased in you’re own home! I am sorry but this I WILL never forget!

My love for you will be everlasting as yours was to me unconditional!

Being HIV positive a private matter

My brother over a custody and financial battle over my mothers death has decided to pass along rumors of me being HIV positive. First its sad that it has come to this for I could say a few things about my brother and I refuse to go there. But you only have to look at me to see my status, I don't know if I could say the same about him loosing 40 lbs in weeks, but like I said I won't go there. And if I was it is nobody's business, it's a private matter!

The mysterious illness is two automobile accidents that has cause two back surgeries and 4 screws to support my spine and 4 prostate surgeries just in 2011 alone. If my brother cared it would not be mysterious. Less focus on Mom's assets and more focus on your own life that seems to be full of secrets not mysteries!

Abilio's View: Nosa mae, Nosa Amore (Our mother, Our Love)

Abilio's View: Nosa mae, Nosa Amore (Our mother, Our Love): It's appropriate the title of my last blog on my mother, for she was Portuguese! There is only 3 left Maderian's after my mother, My brother...

Abilio's View: Gone but never forgotten, my mother!

Abilio's View: Gone but never forgotten, my mother!: I first want to apologize for sleeping most of the ceremonial events yesterday! I know it's a memory of my mother and something I requested!...

Gone but never forgotten, my mother!

I first want to apologize for sleeping most of the ceremonial events yesterday! I know it's a memory of my mother and something I requested! But I could not deal with it. Though I talk about death as part of life, dealing with the loss of my mother is another story!

For people that did not know my mother! She was more than a mother! She was also one of my closest friends! I could tell my mother everything. She often said "you're so much like you're father"! We talked about the future, my health and sex as if I was talking to my partner! My mother was very excepting of today's generation and of me as a gay man. You see my mother always knew!

My mother loved Robert as her son! I will miss that most of all! She always said "hold on to that man, he is a good man"! I remember the tears from the hard work and I especially remember that small light as she worked all night to finish a tablecloth! I was always amazed at my mom!

There were times she was very lonely! There were times I hurt her unintentionally and there were times she enjoyed life to it's fullest! My mother was wise, sometimes too wise! The first time she saw me after my inital surgery, she said "my son you will never work again"! I sometimes hated that, but she was always right! If I was sick, it was my my mom I called first for remedies no-one else has or are made by pills. For a cold "it's a shot of auguardate, teaspoon of honey and half a lemon"! I used that on my children and myself till today!

The world continues, the flowers will bloom, the sun will rise and set! The birds will sing, the grass will turn green. We will go on eating, drinking and traveling! But it will never be the same, for the woman that gave me birth, the woman that worried about me, the woman that loved and squeezer my hand will no longer be there!

Until the day I die my mother, you will be in my dreams! You will be in every rose I see! You will be in the wind as it hits my skin! You will be in my every thought, every memory, every being!

I will never forget you my mother, for mothers are never forgotten! Every time I look at my tattoos, every time I get a cold, every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of one amazing woman, MY MOTHER!

You're son,
Jose Abilio DeSousa (o seu Abilio)

Nosa mae, Nosa Amore (Our mother, Our Love)

It's appropriate the title of my last blog on my mother, for she was Portuguese! There is only 3 left Maderian's after my mother, My brother, My sister and I! My mom passed away yesterday February 3, 2012 living 77 years! She passed away 5 days before her grandson's 11 birthday! He will never get to know his great grandmother, so let me write down something for the archives! She leaves 3 children and 3 grandchildren so her memory will live on!

My mother was born in 1934 December 28  into a poor family on a farm. From what she told us she started working from the day she remembers! My mother got married early and had 3 children exactly 4 years apart, making me the middle child! I used to kid with my mother about getting the worse of the deal but more on that later!

My mother left Madeira without my father in 1968 and came to America to follow her sisters and provide a better life for her children. Those days in the late 60's early 70's were hard, but we never lacked love! My mother worked 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet but eventually she found someone who she married (just happened to have the same name as my dad ) and they bought a house and lived together until her recent death

This is the day after, so writing this is like having my wrists cut! My heart will never heal, for a piece of me is gone forever! Though they say people continue living in us, I cannot pick up the phone and call my mother! I can't tell her all the things I have been waiting to say, the time is gone!

As a child I always remember my mother working! In Madeira it was sewing beautiful tablecloths by hand! I happen to have the last two she sewed! From the time I remember I was always loved, from the time I remember I was always wanted!I loved my mother for everything she represented. I never thought this time would come! I never thought a world would exist without my mother!

Though my mother was the most amazing woman in the world, we lost some time over silly things, time one never gets back! However the last two years we spent lots of time together. My mother did something to me that always made me feel good. During those days of my surgery, or when I felt like the middle child (middle children feel this), she always held my hand and squeezed. Most of the time it was as if hidden from my brother and sister! It was a bond between us!

I am sure they had their special touch or maybe even the same one, but to me my mother was my rock! That tighten fist was telling me "you're special, you're my son"! We both knew what it meant! No words were needed!

And so I have to finish! This is the hardest thing I had to write, for their are no words to express the emptiness in my heart after losing my mother. I got her to smile one last time just before her surgery (it's on this blog)! I knew then it was her last picture, though I did not want to believe it! I saw the writing in the walls, but did not want to read them! I kissed her and said see you tomorrow! That still stands mom, I'll see you soon! My mother, my rock!

As always I leave with this:

You were there when we took our first steps,
And went unsteadily across the floor.
You pushed and prodded: encouraged and guided,
Until our steps took us out the door...
You worry now "Are they ok?"
Is there more you could have done?
As we walk the paths of our unknown
You wonder"Where have my children gone?"
Where we are is where you have led us,
With your special love you showed us a way,
To believe in ourselves and the decisions we make.
Taking on the challenge of life day-to-day.
And where we go you can be sure,
In spirit you shall never be alone.
For where you are is what matters most to us,
Because to us that will always be home...

You're son!

Dr Q

our mom

An amazing woman, an amazing life!